Just wanted to do a quick check-in now that I am back home and have my appointments looming ahead of me.  I restarted my medicine today with a very heavy heart and a lot on my mind, so much confusion with all of this.  I'm so very tired and I really am confused about how much longer I can keep swallowing those pills.  I know that right now those "pills" are extending my life but I hate what they are doing to me.  I hate the way I feel, I hate being so fucking tired, I hate not being able to get up and do things like I used too, I hate this and I hate cancer.  I'm in a bad place in my head and I have been trying to get myself out of it but it's been difficult.  I was awake yesterday at 3 am and could not for the life of me fall back to sleep so figured last night I would do a lot better but NO I was up until 2 am which at that point I took another sleeping pill so that I could at least get a couple of hours.  I know I'm not sleeping because I have so much on my mind, trying to figure out how to deal with all of this, what's the right and wrong way to go.  And then knowing that when I woke up today I'd would start this whole horrible cycle all over again.  Joey tries so hard, I know it's killing him watching me go through this especially when the talks get harder and I'm sorry honey but where else can I go but to you.  I know how you feel, I know what your decision would be and god that's what me heart wants me to do but my head is pulling me so completely in the other direction.  I'm crying as I sit here and write this so please know that everything I am saying is not with a light heart.  Those of you who love me the most I know you hurt as much as I do, I know it's not easy reading some of the things I write but if I don't write them then I can't get it out of my head and in order to stay on this medicine as long as I possibly can I need to get it out of my head and onto this paper.  Maybe these one's I write in a journel and not out there for you all to read... is that the way to go?  Maybe I'll think on that, guess right now whatever decision I make, I want you to all know that I didn't make it easily, each and every decision has been made based on the love I have of my family and the inability to be a quitter in their eyes, with the inability to walk away for them before we are all ready. 

I just read about some of Elizabeth Edwards feelings during her battle with cancer.  And one of her wishes was for her to make it 8 years, time enough to see her youngest graduate from high school, another one from college and another to move onto her next chapter in her life.  How is it that this is how we think, we think in time only, I want XXX number of years...  were not asking for a cure as majority of us know that is impossible, we simply want time, time to see all those wonderful steps in our childrens lives, the milestones that we are not supposed to miss.  But at what price is that time?

Oh well enough tears for today.  I'll reach back out after my appointments.

Love & Peace

Sue