Well here I sit in Florida watching a dear friend go through what no person should have to endure.  About a month ago I found out that my girlfriend is pretty much in the same boat as I am, her cancer has progressed beyond what they expected, she is now Stage 4 and undergoing radiation and chemo.  All that we can do is hope and pray that the tumor's remain stable and that she is given time.  Time what does that really mean??? Time to understand, is that even possible?  Time to say goodbye to her family, ok well that one I know is utterly impossible...  Time to understand why her?  Yet time is all we have to hang our hearts on.  Time for a cure, time for a miracle, time to live before we die.  There are miracles out there so why can't it be her and I???

I have to question WHY?  What is the point of this? What is god thinking?  Is there a god?  I don't know, nor do I beileve I will ever know or be able to tell you why!  All I do know that even going through all that I have this past year I am still helpless to Donna and her family.  What words of wisdom can I possibly offer? We both know or at least comprehend where this path is going to take us and there are no words I can offer that will make any of the pain go away.  No amount of comfort that anyone can offer that can heal a broken heart, knowing in the end what we are leaving behind.  What happens when we are gone?  How do we know our kids will be ok?  How do we miss seeing the milestones that they still have ahead of them.  Their weddings, the future grandchildren that we may never hold.  I at least am thankful that I have been able to wrap my arms and hearts around Nathan but the biggest fear is still attached to that, what if he doesn't remember.  What about those that come behind him that never got to meet me at all.  What about Donna who hasn't had that at all yet?  How is this fair?  Why us?  Why anyone?  What are we supposed to be thankful that we at least had this time?  At least I got to see Keirstyn grow up to be an amazing young woman and have one child.  Well of course I am grateful for that but I want and need so much more, so does she, so does Nathan, and so does Donna's family.  I'm sorry but that's how I feel in my heart, those are the questions I live with each and everyday.  I know that in the end all we can do is hope and pray for that time, for that miracle, to hear the words that the tumor's did not grow...

It's been a pretty rough month, the side effects have again taken their toll.  We tried a different approach this month and it appears that approached backfired so were off to trying something else to make the medicine tolerable. The doctor doesn't want to give up on this medicine yet and I'm to the point that I do but I still keep on trying.  So one more month.  I'll try this latest approach, I get my scans and results this month and then I will take it from there.  That's all I can do right??

In the meantime I'm still working on the bucket list.  I hope that come the end of January I'll have dates planned for Hungary and I'll continue to spend as much time as possible with my family and friends.  Pray for us, please pray for Donna and her family.  Give them all the love and support you have given me this past year, they need it.

Also the ability to comment on this blog has been turned off due to the spam.  Please feel free to continue to comment on my facebook page.

Love & Peace to all of you.

Sue