I am so upset right now and I just need to write to get these feelings out.  I am so tired of just being a number to my doctor... at what point do I stop doing this to myself?  Is it time to go somewhere else?  I blame myself for a part of this as when I lost my endo I should have listened to my heart and found a new one instead of letting my onco doctor say she will be monitoring it.  I have been feeling like crap, really bad these past few weeks and this week real real bad, I sit here and blame myself, saying I'm pushing myself too much, I'm trying to get the rest of my life lived in the next couple of years that I do too much and then pay dearly once I sit down.  Does that make sense?  To those who suffer from this disease I would imagine it does especially when they tell you your terminal, at best you have 2-5 years so what else can you do except live those 2-5 years the best way possible.  I go and go and go until I can't go anymore.  So that's the blame on me part and today I get the blood reports (this is why it took so long for me to get the copies as I think they know I'm NOT going to be happy... My TSH level is 20.16... (Normal is 0.34-5.60) ok so seeing 20.16 on this report totally blew me away - how does my doctor NOT do anything about this???  If we hadn't said to her at my last appointment again about following up with an Endo, this would have been ignored again.  I am sitting here barely able to type, I can't knit, I can't write, I can't hold my grandson because everything hurts so much, it feels like my bones are just going to fall apart.  I spent the last couple of days really thinking that the cancer had spread even further, that maybe it's in my bones now, maybe went to my brain you know totally starting to freak out because I have felt worse then I have ever and to learn today that all of this could have been avoided if my dr. had done what she said.  This is what we rely on, this is what we ask them, this is their field not ours so why do I feel like I know so much more than she does?

I'm so confused, I'm so upset, and I’m so hurt over this.  This is my life she is messing with.  As I sit here and write this I think I really did convince myself that I do need to find a new doctor.  I hate the thought of doing that especially knowing that I didn't get the placebo drug, that I am actually on the real medicine, that the medicine is doing something as there are no new tumors, and then on top of it the only good thing is that they are letting me get breaks on the medicine, if I go somewhere else how can I continue the medicine?  Will I get the same one or do they have to start all over again?  Is it even allowed?  I don't think it is.  I'm stuck and it sucks. 

Sorry everyone, this wasn't a good post but it did help me, I needed to get this out and this is the only way I can do it.  As I write it, I end up knowing that there are not options and I don't have a choice.

Love & Peace,

Sue