As I'm sure most of you know by now, I had my scans and the results and everything came back with no change.  So at least we know the medicine is stopping the growth, we didn't have any shrink or die this time but no new growth is at least still positive.  A lot for me was riding on these scans as my doctor had talked to me last month about trying to do some breaks so that maybe I can get some elevation with the side effects but until we know the results of the last 12 weeks no one was willing to discuss it yet.  Originally it was pretty encouraging that with no new growth that I would be able to try a cycle of 3 weeks on and 1 week off but unfortunately the drug company has still not approved this.  It's so frustrating for me as I just want to be able to function more, over the past couple of weeks my energy level just gets worse and I was so looking forward to getting a break so that maybe I could at least get the energy to do something’s around the house, maybe even get out a little more of see some friends but as of right now looks like that isn't going to happen.  Appears they also want my side effect stage to go up which really doesn't make any sense to me at all.... my biggest fear is that I'll end up in the hospital again and in my head I know if it gets that bad I'll be taking myself off this trail so why would anyone be willing to let that happen again.  AND why don't they take into consideration that Chemo patients get breaks.... you need to continually build up your energy, your immune system to be able to get the chemo, how is this situation any different?  Why do I have to be almost at a level 3 for them to allow me to take a break, isn't a level 2 so much easier, I would then only have to take a week off, build myself back up and then start again... to me that just makes so much more sense - so freaking frustrated on this.

I leave for the shore (OC, MD) next Saturday so I was really looking forward to this weeks break so that I can go away with my sister and my mom and dad and actually be able to do things, walk around without blisters on my feet, eat some FRESH seafood, explore this area as I have never been to Ocean City and here instead I'm scared to death to go, what happens if I get really sick and I'm three hours away from U of P?  I mean I know that if I'm not feeling good, if everything continues to build up then obviously I don't go away but of course that's the last thing I want to do.  I want and need this time, time for me and time with my sister, mom and dad.

I did do something positive this week to help clear my head, a way to try and find something to do so that I can have a couple of days outside of my "head" constantly thinking and worrying about everything.  I signed up for a crochet class, it's only a way day 2.5 hour class that I'll learn the basics but from there I can at least have something to do during the day, a new way to relax.  I'm looking forward to it and if all goes well I will take the second class and then maybe even try a couple of other classes.  I can't wait to make my first scarf, footie’s and blanket for the winter :).

Really not much else going on, I spend a lot of my time reading totally into my kindle - just another way of escaping everything.  I save whatever energy I have so I can have those special hours each night with Nathan, go for our walk and our play time.  He is sick right now, and last night he was in my lap and we watch this show on demand that is called Eebebaby, he loves it.  Well there is this one skit in it where they sing this song called "Imagine", it's just such a sweet soft song and I look down and here Nathan is completely and utterly signing along.  I have never in my life seen anything so precious, I just wanted to cry watching and listening to him.  Good lord they grow up so fast.  Our little guy is repeating and singing a complete song.  It was just breathtaking.

A final request for everyone who may read this, can you please pray or continue to pray for Anne, a friend of a friend who as lung cancer.  She has progressed to a very sad and dangerous point and it's doesn't look like there is much time left for her.  Please pray that she is able to find comfort and peace, that she does not have to suffer and that god will watch over her, her husband and their three little ones.  If there is any chance that she can still pull through, please pray for that and for love and support for all of them.

Love and Peace

Sue

Still saying Fuck You to Cancer with all that I am