Today is a week off the medicine and while I feel better physically (I can swallow and the blisters on my feet are almost gone) mentally I am in a slump.  I'm so freaking tired, I feel like I can barely function and that's depressing me more.  I'm angry and man I hate being angry.  I'm mad that everyone's life is going on and I'm stuck in this hell.  I hate the waiting (for July tests) and knowing that until I get those tests I'm stuck with the medicine, trying my hardest NOT to have to take a break, knowing that the longer I am on the medicine the more chance I have of something coming back good again but god I hate hate hate how the medicine makes me feel.  I miss feeling good, I miss being healthy, I miss my old life, my work and my friends.  I can be surrounded by family and friends and yet still feel so alone... I hate asking why me (god knows I prefer me then someone else I know) but WTF it's still so hard not to question why... I am so tired inside and out and I haven't done anything since Saturday so I'm frustrated that I am so tired.  My doctor said that being tired is part of this, and with not eating correctly it's not helping but how does someone eat correctly when first of all they don't even care about eating and secondly and most important when I'm on the meds it's too hard to eat???  Hello!!!

I know getting in funks are part of the journey and for the most part I try not to allow myself to get into them - yes I said try not to allow myself but alas sometimes it just doesn't work.  I'm just plain on sad, angry, and mad at the world, god and everyone in it and I really don't like being that person.  so here I sit trying to get it all out so that tomorrow I can wake up as I person I like to be, one who is sad but happy in the fact that I am here another day, one that is thankful for all that I have had in my life and not the person that right know thinks about all that I will miss in my life if this journey ends the way known of us like to say.

I was up all night last night, I actually came downstairs at 3am to write in my journal but my saved user id and password didn't work so I couldn't and of course just ended up getting more sucked into my own head.  I think about all the things I need and want to do, I think about all the things that I'll worry I will miss, I try to cram as much as I can into each and everyday so that I can make up for the days when I won't be here and then when I can't function anymore I get into this funk and I'm assuming that's why I'm here writing this now.  I did again a lot these past few weeks and then bam, medicine takes over - everything is turned upside down again, I can't eat, I can barely swallow so what happens, the cycle starts all over again - I take a medicine break, I build back up to start to falter all over again.  At what point is enough enough?  At what point do I say, ok my body and my mind can't do this anymore?  At what point do I say fuck it to the medicine and just start working on the bucket list so that I can do all of those things before it gets too late????  July after the tests?  Why?? To go another 12 weeks of hell to get tests again in Oct and to just keep on doing this?  I know I can't look at it this way that I need to take it one day at a time but good god it just gets so hard.

I will start the medicine again on Thursday, which puts me back on the follow up schedule with my doctors and will give me two full days of feeling god physically yet I keep asking myself why when I know in three to five weeks time I'll just be here all over again.  ugh it's all just so frustrating and I'm sorry to be such a downer in this blog but if I don't write how I really feel that I won't be able to get myself out of this funk to fight so here it is in black and white and come Thursday I'll deal with it again and I'll continue to deal with it until they tell me I can't or until I really really know that it's time to stop and to start doing the things I want to do.

Well Nate's here today (well he lives here but today he stays here and my mom comes here but it's fruitful as he only wants me) so I'm done blogging.  We did go in the pool today and it was nice.  I wish he would have went into the floaty thing but he isn't used to the pool yet so I guess that will take time and lord knows right now I have too much time on my hands.  I have a date with a 12 year old tomorrow :) and then a get together with my wonderful cousins on Friday, I have a benefit to go to Saturday at 6 for a little boy who hurt himself (I don't know how but it's from the Hungarian club that has been so generous and wonderful to my and if there is anyway to give back then this is it, everyone needs to help them both in love and in assistance as they are going through a hard time right now), and then Saturday night we will be going out for Keir's birthday, I don't really drink much these days but I feel like I have been locked in the house so I'm sure looking forward to getting out into the adult world for a bit and being there to celebrate my daughter's 22nd birthday - and OMG I can't wait, the following weekend just her and I will be going away from Friday night until Sunday for a very very much needed mother and daughter get away.  A time for both of us to forget this past year and with all that she has been going through these past couple of months the timing could not be much better.  My lord July is all booked, the weekend after we have a wedding for two wonderful people (and can't forget the 4th of July and my tests the whole following week).  I guess come July 8th we will know and all I can look forward to is getting through the two horrible days of testing and getting the results and maybe just maybe I'll be lucky enough to go on the meds for 3 weeks and then a 1 week break and maybe just maybe all of this won't be so bad and I can make it for another 12 weeks.  Maybe knowing every 4th week I'll be off of the meds, I will give me the strength and ability to keep on fighting this horrible disease.

 

So yes, I end this FUCK YOU CANCER, FUCK YOU XL-184, though it feels like your winning your not and you will not continue to fester in my head.  I hate you cancer, I hate you medicine BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE MY LIFE AND TODAY HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL IS OVER.............

LOVE & PEACE

SUE