This is going to be shorter then I want but I really really want to get some thoughts down this week since it's the first full year since I got the original news.  I of course have a lot of running around to do but if I don't do this now I don't see myself being able to write in a couple of days (U of P tomorrow, Joe and I are going to the city tonight and spending the night and finally seeing my girls from work:).

I would just like to share some thoughts in how the past year has gone, where I was at mentally that first year to where I am now.  Or whatever the hell else I feel like writing, lol.

The official one year day was Monday but if you go by dates then it was yesterday - I went with yesterday as that first Monday I think we were numb.  I really knew the week before (a day or two before my 42nd birthday) but we needed to wait for the "official" confirmation and basically what stage so that held out the diagnosis another week and yeah was not a good week. 

In this past year I have I would like to think found myself, I went from being la tee da about life, never really thinking about the future except in the terms of seeing my daughter get settled and watching my grandsons and nieces grow up and then occasional thought of losing my parents (as we get older so do they and as this point we watch them age before our eyes).  So you come to as best of terms you can in knowing that soon (well not SOON but you all know what I mean) we will have to bury a parent... yet in this past year I went from OMG I can't lose them to OMG can they survive losing me... morbid either way right...

I have gone from not really believing in god (well I believed in something just didn't know what it was), to questioning WHY to not really liking god at all to ok, god give me all you can to now finally acceptance.  It's his will not mine and if his will is for me to go through this, for my family to have to deal with this well I guess there is a reason and someday we will all find out that reason.  Maybe, just maybe there's even a small part of me that thinks I can be that miracle, if I'm good enough, if I'm kind enough, if I have learned enough will he let me live???  I don't know but I do know that now he is a part of me everyday and he gives me strength to deal with whatever the outcome my be.

Anger... hell yes               Sadness... hell yes           WTF.... hell yes              WHY ME..... hell yes              these are questions that still hang in my head every single day, I wonder if they ever go away?  I talk to someone (counselor) occasionally and I let myself cry occasionally I know don't give a crap what my house looks like, I even try to encourage my dad to not care :) I have become flighty scatterbrained and oh good lord forgetful (I have become my mother) I also have known what true love; true family and true friends are all about.

I have heard and had the privilege to see and be apart of one of the most amazing benefits put together.  To see over 400 people band together to support me and my family well that alone will take me to the other side.  I will never ever be able to express what that meant to me, the outpouring of love and kindness from people I (we) have lost touch with that now because of cancer are again part of my life is truly a blessing...

I was given a beautiful symbol (my website, my design, my own clothing line loll and even my own tattoo's) from two girls who are and always will be the cousin's of my heart.

I am even closer to my family (is that possible???) I learned the value of being with my husband and fighting to stay together as there is no one I would rather have by my side... I also know where the issues are and what we need to do to get through one of the most difficult times we have ever faced.

I have learned to cherish each and every moment I can with those around me.  Is there still hurt, is there still stupid fights, do we still say stupid things YEP but now we try not to let them fester, we try to say what we feel instead of keeping those feelings in.

I have learned true pain... yes if you haven't cried and don't want to cry I suggest you stop here...

True pain to me is missing the rest of my daughter's life, true pain is dying before Nathan and Kylie know who I really am... true pain in not seeing those 3 amazing children grow up to be part of a truly amazing family... True pain is watching your family watch you hurt, knowing that they would do anything to take that pain away and knowing that there is nothing they are anyone can do.  I can deal with everything else except all of the above.

I still have a long way to go, I will never be healed of cancer but at least I am on the road to healing of the heart and without all of you in my life I would not have made it to that point this past year.  Cancer has taught me a lot, a lot of myself, a lot about who I am as person, a lot about my family and a lot about those that surround me.

So while I sit her and continue to say "Fuck You Cancer" I also in some way have to acknowledge where it has taken us all, because without it I would have lost some very special relationships.

Love & Peace to each and every one of you who have been a part of my journey this past year.  I am truly blessed...

Sue