In just one day everything got worse - god, I knew and felt everything starting again but we finally made it to my parents to see them for their anniversary and I was sick as a dog for me all side effects but then Joey is sick, my mom sounds like crap again.  Man, WTF is this all there is as we get older?

So by the time I got home from visiting, I pretty much went right to bed and sat there and cried for the next hour.  I am barely one week into trying to put together the best wedding possible for my only child knowing that this is going to be one of the last memories she will have of me and now I get sick again... and truthfully to me at least it's the medicine making me so sick.  If I can get another couple of years feeling good isn't that better then a couple more years feeling like crap???  I have no energy level at all, I am bruised from head to toe, I have blisters on my feet and now starting on my hands, I can feel them starting in my mouth and throat again (though I am happy that this time it at least left my mouth and throat for last) at what point do I stop taking the medicine?  I think my Dr said she doesn't care, that if she needs to she will constantly let me take a break but how do I deal with all of this in my head?  One week I'm sick as hell, the next week or so I get a medicine break so I start recouping and basically by the time I feel 50% better I start all over again, back on the meds and within 3 weeks I start feeling like shit again.  How much mentally can a person take of that?

I keep telling myself I just need to make it to June 10th that's my next appointment and then to mid July for the tests but after last night and knowing everyday it's just going to get worse and worse do I force myself to make it to the 10th or do I call now and ask for a break again?  This is so freaking frustrating...

And what's even worse (and sorry just being honest) is hearing how good I look - I keep trying to say "good thing the tumors are inside, could you image how I would look if you could see them" LOL personally I find that very funny but sad to say I think most people will find it rude unless you get me and my family's type of humor.  But really I just had to vent on top of everything else that hearing how good I look (and I think most people on treatment will totally agree with me) does not help at all.  Please just say, it's good to see you and to see that your still fighting, or it's good to see you out and about and that you are still in our thoughts and prayers.  I love you all and I really hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings by finally saying this :) 

Ok I'm done for today, I'm sure as the days get worse I'll be back on complaining. 

And check out the picture, one of the tat design's I'm thinking of for myself 

Love & Peace

Sue