I went back to U of P yesterday and restarted the medicine after a week off at the lowest dose (75 mgs).  I didn't really get much of a physical or mental break as I really only started to feel better Tuesday afternoon, ate real food for the first time in 3 weeks and was extremly sick afterwards so I took a huge step back that night mentally and had a decent day on Wednesday (but did go back to only eating soup) and then had the appointment yesterday so if you count 1 day as a break then I guess I got a break (lol).  I really was not sure if I was going to start the medicine yesterday as overall I really at this point was thinking very emotionally and did not think mentally I could handle going back on without having more time to heal.  I knew I was going in with one question before I made the decision to take or not take the medicine and that one question was "This break and the one I had when my blood pressure went up, what do those - in total 2 weeks- do to me getting the first set of scans/tests completed to see if this medicine is doing ANYTHING?"  I knew that originally my first set of tests would be the middle of April, did I push everything back 2 weeks cause of the "breaks"?  Well when the Dr. told me that NO everything still goes with staying on track, that the middle of April I still get all of those tests then I knew I could do another 3 weeks of the medicine :).  No matter what I just have to get through 3 more weeks... if I have made it this far than basically I can live with knowing that in 3 weeks we will at least know something...

it was a very long day at the hospital yesterday, as usual nothing seemed to go right but I am happy to say that because I have the ability to swallow again and that the sores in my mouth are so much better I can at least eat real food so Joe and I finally went to dinner in the City and we went to my favorite place Roy's and I had the most wonderful meal I have had (well since I was there last right before treatment) so no matter what I will NOT complain about not being to eat again over at least the next 3 weeks.  That butterfish will keep my mentally satisfied through the remainder of this trail and I have decided NOT to look past the next 3 weeks.  While my food may taste totally different then it did before being on this drug, while Tuesday night I couldn't even leave the restaurant right awaybecause I had gotten so sick, I had butterfish last night :) and I kept it in for almost 2 hours :) and right now sitting here, I am still savoring every bite of that fish in my mind - yes I can go another losey 3 weeks... 

I saw a couple of things while we waited around all day yesterday and two of them broke my heart.  The first one was an elderly woman, her husband and her son (who sadly, you can see if very disabled).  The woman is the one who has cancer (you hear way too much in the waiting room) and I guess she had decided she had enough and refused to get her blood work and would only sit there until she could see the doctor and I assume tell her that she was done.  I heard the frustration in her husbands voice but I saw the determination in her eyes and I know it broke both their hearts to even think that this might be the end for her but you know what SHE was making that choice, SHE had the power to say FUCK YOU CANCER and I so wanted to stand up and applaud her.  I Do Not Know how the rest of her visit went, I know the based on a comment I made my Dr. said that if she doesn't take it she will die and that it was up to my Dr. to change her mind.  Did she change her mind?  Did she continue to refuse?  Well I guess only they know but either way I again have to applaud her for her strength and for her ability to make whatever decision she could and I hope she did it with peace in her heart.  God bless her.

The other thing I saw was another women who was there for chemo treatment, you could see that she was hurting, that her bones hurt, as she could barely walk and she just looked so brittle.  She is crying and at this point I am trying not to look but ok how can you not and how can it not be effecting you?  After about 10 minutes of her waiting, she takes out a cell phone and called someone, the next thing I hear is her saying that no one came to help her through this today, that she was all alone.  I guess the person on the phone asked a question and I heard her respond that her dad dropped her off and she assumed someone would pick her up later...  and at this point either she or I got called away so I too don't know how that ended.  All I can think about though it all of the love and support I have, that I have people lined up who would gladly sit her and hold my hand or to do anything that I or we needed to help me and this poor woman had no one who cared at all.  How sad a world we live in, but I again must say to everyone how truely grateful for all of you I am and I hope you know how much I appreciate you all.

I hope to have some strenght during the next week and to call or at least email some of you that have been trying to reach me.  While I may be out of touch more, it's only because I have to be not because I want to be.  I miss and love you all.

And I have to say this one piece.  This blog is for nan, who showed us all such strength during her battle and for being able to make her own decision.  I love and miss you very much, I hope you know how much you gave to all of those who knew and loved you.

Love & Peace,

Sue